Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What now?

So, I finished reading the Bible in 90 days.  And if I am being really honest, I have only picked up my Bible 2 times since I finished and actually read 1 time.  So sad.

Part of the reason I wanted to do the challenge is so that I would get into a habit of being in God's word daily.  Sort of like a total immersion language program.  I thought that I would find a good rhythm and a time of day that I would sit down and focus on God.
But that did not happen.
I generally flew by the seat of my pants and struggled to finish each day's reading, especially the last 30 days of reading.
I want to be in the word.  I want to be more like Him.  I want to hear Him and know his voice.  I want to be broken before God.
Although I just realized I used the word "I" about 47 times, this is not about me.  It is about Him.

He wants me in the word.  He wants me to be more like Him.  He wants to hear from me and He wants me to know His voice when He speaks.  He wants me to be broken before Him.
Yeah, it is about Him, not me.  That feels better.

Psalm 51:15-17
15 O Lord, open my lips,
       and my mouth will declare your praise.
 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
       you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
 17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
       a broken and contrite heart,
       O God, you will not despise.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we starting talking about a third girl that is just amazing.  She has more things on her plate (4 kids, hubby, many other family commitments) than I can even imagine yet she gets up around 5 each morning and spends time in the Word.  She commits herself to that time.  She commits that time to God.  The only way my eyes see 5am is if someone needs to be fed or changed (just being honest here!) and I usually don't have the best attitude about being up at that time of the morning.
I thought about her all yesterday afternoon and really felt like God was gently nudging me that she (the friend) is often tired at 5am.  She does go to bed at a reasonable hour, which I don't always do. She does take care of herself (eating well, exercising regularly), which I rarely do.  I could say that she is in a different phase of life, but her two youngest are 3 and 1.  So really, she isn't.
Or is she?  Yes, she probably is because she is walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  She has a commitment to God that does not exist at this point in my life.  She is walking in the light like

So, is a 5am wake-up on my plate?  Probably not yet.  Maybe 6am though.  Getting up when the boys get up really sets me up for failure in the mornings and sets the tone for the whole day of feeling behind, out of control, not in charge of my time and day.

The other thing I am struggling with is what is next.  Now that I have read the whole Bible, what do I read now?  I think I need to go back and study a few books in more depth.  I need to understand Isaiah, Daniel, and Revelation (wow - that is a hard one!) more.  I need a guide to really understand those I think!

So, just keeping it real and being honest here.  I am struggling and this blog is the best way for me to work through thoughts in my head.  I will update as I figure more things out and get into a good routine.


Amy@ MomsToolbox said...

You aren't alone.

After reading the Bible in 90 Days the first time I was pretty lost afterwards, too. I didn't know what to do next because nothing else stood up to it. I wanted a break... but I wanted more.

And I can relate to your struggle to get up and read and pray. It is a challenge. But I find that I am rewarded every time I do it.

Try 5:30 or 6 and join me in reading through the Proverbs this month. Maybe read and then journal about it with an old-fashioned notebook and pen. And see where God leads.

When my kids wake before I have my God time, things just aren't right for me, either.

Maybe you could set a goal for yourself of 5 days in a row of waking at 5:30.. and see how that works.

I've just prayed for you.. and the others who I know are facing the same struggle.

Hang in there.