Thursday, June 19, 2008

Nothing to say

I have nothing to talk about today. Lately, that means really good news. No doctor trips, no infections, no fever -- thank God!! But, I feel like I am on the edge. I can't stop worrying that either Miles is going to spike another fever and I won't be around or awake to know that or that something else is going to happen. We already have 2 medical specialists that we see - the ENT and the GI doctor. I am so worried that a neurologist or someother doctor is going to be necessary. I know that moms worry. That is what we do. But, I also know that my worry is getting bigger than it should. I am afraid to sleep - at least in a deep sleep. I check Miles for a fever several dozen times a day.
So, I looked up "worry" at Some of the verses that popped up include:

Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-34
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Two things struck me. Verse 27 says "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" I guess that this goes for your children as well. I cannot add a single hour or minute or even a second to Miles' life by worrying. Instead, I will miss all the big and little things, all the time we have been given with him. I don't know if he will live one more day or a hundred more years. It is not mine to know. I would rather not know.
The other thing that I noticed is the verse right before this passage - verse 24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. " So, I can submit to worry, fear, the unknown or I can submit to the giver of life. It sounds so easy and yet it is so very difficult. So difficult.....
I realize that there have been a lot of "buts" in my life and posts lately. I hate uncertainty. I really do. I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I don't know about going back to work, even part time in real estate. I don't know if we are going to have another child. (No, not soon, no worries!) I don't feel like I even know my purpose in life lately. Being a mother is great. I love my time with the boys. I love being here to teach them, train them, love them, play with them. I am so tired of diapers, bottles and discipline. Maybe I just need to ensure that I spend a little time on me. I have not done a good job of that lately. It has been all about the boys in my life lately.
I know that this is a really random post, but I am just working through all my thoughts and feelings. I won't apologize. This is just life. My life. Reality as I know it.
OK, maybe I did have an awful lot to say after all.....