Monday, December 29, 2008

Such a blessing!

Every woman I know wants to be pursued. Every woman wants to feel longed for and loved. Most look to men, friends, kids or work for praise, validation, love, purpose. God wants us to come to him and look to him for those things and so, so much more. I have struggled with finding each and every one of those things since I quit work to stay home with the boys. Only a few really know about my struggles in this area (just trying to keep it real today).
I know that God has been pursuing me and desiring me to have a sincere, true change of heart. A change of thinking toward him and his goals, plans and purposes for my life. A life that looks to him for my validation, love, purpose, praise. This has come at me in so many different ways lately. I have felt God pursuing me, urging me to come to him, pulling at my heart and my spirit to come back into true fellowship with Him. I have spent so much time (totally wasted time, might I add) thinking of ways I could do things that would fulfil me as a person. Ways I could volunteer, work part time and still be with the boys, ways I could work full time and still have as much time left over with the boys and with Eric. But those things just don't matter because they are not God's plan for me.
I have been trying to do things my own way for way too long. I have been looking to my husband to affirm me. I have been looking to my children to validate me. Not only is that ridiculous and unfair of me, it is a whole lot to put on a 4 year old and a 19 month old. It is not fair to them. It places a responsibility on them that they should not have to bear. I plan to apologize to them for doing that. I know that they will not understand me, but I need to do it.

The following verses were one of the (many) ways that God spoke to my heart this week. I read this on another woman's blgo and it was like she was writing it just for me and speaking straight to my heart. I pray that it bless you as well.

I made her. She is different. She's unique. With love I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139:13-16)
I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. (Psalm 139:17)
I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain. I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful and would draw friends to her. (I Peter 3:3-5)
I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I want her to turn to Me in her loneliness. Only because I need for her to lean to and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own way and forget about Me, her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)
I have given her many good and happy things because I love her. (Psalm 84:11 and Romans 8:32)
Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart and the tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)
Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold My Hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to My Voice. (Isaiah 53:6)
She is mine. I made her then I bought her because I love her. (Romans 5:8)
I have to reshape and remold her, to renew in her what I want her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I want her to be conformed to My Image. This high goal I have set for her because I love her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

One last thing (if anyone is still with me)..... another thing that really spoke into my life was the Christmas Eve service at our church. It is available online and if you have 45 mins or so, I would really encourage you to go and watch it. I will be praying to see a flip of your cardboard.... just go watch and you'll understand! :) Click on "What in the World Was He Thinking" on 12/24/08. Enjoy.


JMom said...

K- This is beautiful. I am so glad it touched you, too.